Everything I Need to Know About Life
by Nyghtvision
Summary: Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned from Spirited Away Print this out. Carry it close to your heart. You'll need it the next time you go into a bath-house.
1. The Hitchhiker's Guide to Bathhouses

Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned From Spirited Away  
  
(Things they should have told Chihiro)  
  
By Nyghtvision  
  
==================================  
  
Disclaimer: Go to someone else's fic. Cut and paste their disclaimer here. Print out. Add salt and cook to taste. Serve and enjoy.  
  
==================================  
  
What I Learned:  
  
Flowers tend to wilt if they aren't put in water  
  
Shrines are actually houses for miniature aliens but they don't want you to know about it  
  
Four wheel drive means you can speed as much as you like, and by God you're going to do it.  
  
Parents have no common sense. Thus, do not even bother trying to convince them not to go into the creepy place. Just cling to their arm and deal with it, because you'll be needed when things go wrong. And things WILL go wrong.  
  
If it's a funny-looking building, it's most definitely an amusement park.  
  
Sure, the place is bankrupt and there's no one there and it's covered in dust and you've never heard of it, but if you smell food -- it could still be open!  
  
It goes without saying, don't eat the food  
  
(Unless the dragon boy gives it to you. We'll go into that later.)  
  
Flyswatters are the weapon of choice against pigs.  
  
If you don't know what's going on, it's always a good idea to run away screaming.  
  
No, that boy is not a girl.  
  
Day and night are relative. Ignore them.  
  
If your shoes are wet, that probably means you're standing in water.  
  
It's hard to slap people if you're see-through.  
  
Remember what I said about the dragon boy? Eat whatever he gives you.  
  
Birds are evil.  
  
In the name of Earth and Wind and -- no, in the name of Air and Fire -- in the name of Earth and -- oh, what the hell, just unbind her  
  
Hold your breath when crossing bridges.   
  
If you're a frog, don't annoy the boy.  
  
There are lots of frogs in the Spirit world. Learn to live with them.  
  
Your first priority is ALWAYS to get a job. No matter what happened to your parents or what kind of state you're in, whip out your resume and get jobhunting  
  
I don't know what to do with you, so go bug the boiler man.  
  
Make friends with little spiders made out of soot. It sounds weird but it makes sense in the long run. They'll carry your shoes for you!  
  
Coal is heavy. Very, very heavy.  
  
All you need to get by in life is a nice roasted newt  
  
Just IGNORE the radish spirit...  
  
Ever wonder where the term 'zip your lip' came from?  
  
The secret to landing a job is to be annoying. Very, very annoying.  
  
It helps if the witch took an oath to be an equal-oppurtunity employer  
  
If you're looking for a nice exotic touch to spice up your office, try three bouncing humming scowling green heads. They go with every color scheme  
  
That lady has a big nose.  
  
Sign all contracts with somebody else's name  
  
Even if you can't remember your name, remember your apron size and save Lin/Rin the trouble  
  
If you quite understandably don't want to strip and put on an apron in front of two strangers, complain that you don't feel good  
  
People sneak into your room at night and steal your t-shirt and shorts. Stay on your guard  
  
Never go walking in gardens without dragon boy  
  
Bring a permanent marker with you when you go to see your parents. Write "MOM" and "DAD" on them in 2-foot red letters. There now, aren't you a smart kid?  
  
Alternatively, tattoo it into their ears. Mom always wanted a tattoo  
  
Remember, always eat what the dragon boy gives you. It's good for you  
  
Always carry some kind of identification with you. Write it on your wrist. In fact, while you still have the permanent marker and tattoo needle, write it all over yourself.   
  
You can freak out when your parents are turned into pigs. You can whine and cry and complain as much as you like -- go wild! But you have to accept instantly that Haku is a dragon. It's expected of you  
  
===================================  
  
Well, that's it for now. If you enjoyed it, let me know. I'll probably continue later. Until then, I remain  
  
Yours in the Netherworld  
  
Caspian Nyghtvision 


	2. A Plea For Help

Dear Readers:  
  
I'm sorry I haven't been posting. There is a reason for this. And maybe you can help with it. Does anyone know where I can find a screenplay or something posted on the Internet? I've only seen the movie once, because it's so damn expensive, and it's getting harder and harder to write from memory.  
  
If you know of a website where I can find a detailed summary or (hopefully) a full screenplay, I'd really appreciate the help!!  
  
Yrs in the Netherworld,  
  
Nyghtvision 


	3. In Which We Learn That Birds Are Evil

Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned From Spirited Away  
  
(If They Told Chihiro This, We Wouldn't Be Here Now)  
  
By Nyghtvision  
  
=======================================================  
  
Disclaimer: Go back to chapter one, which fanfiction.net likes to call "Default Chapter" because that amuses fanfiction.net. Read disclaimer. Find ketchup. Eat. Sue fanfiction.net for stomach damage caused by a painful paper cut in lower intestine. (Ketchup not included.)  
  
Jiu Weatherperson is mine, do not use without asking. If you ask, I probably won't say no.  
  
Note to Readers: Thanks so much to everyone for your support and helpfulness. I appreciate it all so much. As I couldn't find a screenplay or anything, and anything requiring money is out of the question, the following Very Useful Advice will be a bit out of order, operating off memory. Take it away, Jiu.  
  
Jiu the Weatherperson: (pointing to the fic) As you can see, there's 100 percent sarcasm in the air today, with the dry humor continuing throughout the fic. We seem to be in fine cynical form today; we can look forward to a lot of mocking, and a little good old-fashioned scorn. The irony should reach the consistency of burnt scallops. A biting wit will drive derision towards us at very high speeds...  
  
... Thank you, Jiu. And now, back to the fic.  
  
=========================================================  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Suddenly, you realize: getting a job involves work.  
  
Common sense dictates that the faceless stranger should be left out in the rain, because everyone knows you shouldn't talk to strangers. Well, if you'd listened to common sense, you wouldn't BE here now, would you?! Let him in!  
  
Lin -- Rin -- Lrin-- THAT LADY, you know who I mean -- likes to talk very fast, and she likes to do it a lot. The correct response is to stare into space and try not to drool. Occasionally, you should complain, so that she knows you're listening.  
  
Jeez! Don't talk to THAT LADY about Haku!   
  
That's MASTER Haku to you  
  
It stands to reason, the kid doesn't know if he's a dragon or a human, and he apparently has gender concerns. So of course he's got an identity crisis. Call him whatever he wants you to. Even if he insists his name is "Sporky the Toad, Master of Evil." It's quite dangerous to argue with paranoid scizophrenics.  
  
Don't waste your time arguing with frogs...  
  
If you're a whiny little kid, nobody's gonna listen to you. Forge bath tokens out of cardboard with Magic Markers. Saves a lot of trouble. Alternatively, your strange faceless stalker will steal them for you.  
  
When none of the experienced workers can handle the dirtiest guest in history, it always makes sense to send the clumsy novice who can't tell a roasted newt from her grandmother.  
  
Slimy green things smell BAAAD.  
  
Hopefully, you will have listened to this advice so far, and you'll have quite a few bath tokens collected by semi-honest means  
  
Pull things out of guests. It might be their internal organs, or their pacemakers, or some very important part of their anatomy. But more than likely it's a bicycle that got stuck in them. Bicycles are ALWAYS getting stuck in guests.  
  
As a reward for pulling the bicycle out of him, the River Spirit will shower you with nuggets of gold. Take cover. Those things fricking HURT when they fall on your head.  
  
Instead of taking the gold, take the strange object that looks like a small lump of rancid cheese. This may sound unbelievably stupid, but you'll have to trust me here. After all, I WAS right about the birds.  
  
A simple formula: River Spirit - Trash = Gold. Gold + Witch = Glompage.  
  
It doesn't take much rain to flood the whole park. This is called poor planning.  
  
If it looks like a small lump of rancid cheese, it stands to reason that it will taste like a small lump of rancid cheese.   
  
  
  
If you see a little squiggly pale thing in the sky... yep, that's a dragon all right! And it's most definitely Haku, too, without question. Since obviously there's only ONE dragon in the entire Spirit World.  
  
Birds are evil. However, some birds are actually paper. This is confusing if you think about it. You probably shouldn't think about it.  
  
Well, now the obvious thing to do is call the dragon in here. He'll be SAFE in here.  
  
Sliding screen doors are stupid. They shut too slowly. Make a note to have them replaced with automatic bird-sensing doors that keep paper birds out.  
  
Insert obvious amusing jokes about paper cuts here.  
  
TWO witches with big noses?  
  
When building a bath-house, it's always a good idea to have a great, big, fireplace-looking, useless, pointless, uncovered, water-filled pit in the room that leads to the boilers. (There's probably a Japanese cultural reason for that silly thing, which I don't feel like researching right now, as it's so much easier to make fun of it...) ^.^v  
  
Never underestimate the evil evilness of birds, especially paper ones. They can beat the socks off your average dragon.  
  
After rescuing dragons, save yourself future trouble by making sure no paper birds have climbed into your hair.  
  
Remember the great big stupid fireplace-looking thing that goes down to God knows where? Well, grab your dragon and jump to it!  
  
Whee!  
  
Thonk.  
  
Here! This lump of disgusting stuff from the River Spirit! I bet it's MEDICINE! Eat it! It'll make you BETTER!  
  
When sick and dying, dragons rarely want to swallow disgusting stuff from River Spirits. STUFF it into their mouths and FORCE them to swallow. It'll make them feel BETTER!  
  
... or it will make them throw up...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
Well, that's all the advice I can give you for now. My boat for the Spirit World is leaving the dock, and if I don't get on it now, the stalkers in white coats will get me. I won't be back for quite a while. Keep these words close to your heart and consult them daily. I will try to send more as soon as I can.  
  
I can only hope it isn't too late...  
  
Yrs,  
  
Caspian Nyghtvision 


End file.
